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Paperback Writer

A well accomplished writer, P.S. had so many stories to tell, we had to give him his own space. Enjoy this new style of blog meets fiction!

Monday, June 02, 2008

PS Gifford's weird website

Helpful Hints from Helloise



Thanks for all the feedback on last months helpful hint ‘Be kind to your chainsaw and it will be kind to you.’ And Bob in the Bronx- that was a brilliant and rather creative notion you had for eliminating your mother-in-law. Please let me know how it works out for you.

Well today’s tip is how to remove a dead body from your kitchen floor. I am quite sure that I am not the only one amongst us who has had to deal with this trifling dilemma at least a dozen times. I know that I have! Gee, only last week I felt obligated to dispose of a pesky neighbor who insisted of showing me his recent holiday snaps from his trip to the Greek Islands. And the last thing I wanted to see is, Fred, (not his real name for legal reasons...) posing on a nude beach with sunburn in places where the sun shouldn’t even be shining.

So there he was Fred, dead, on the middle of my newly tiled kitchen floor. Naturally I needed to dispose of Fred both hastily and efficiently. Now I know what you must be thinking, why don’t you chop him up? But, as I am sure you know from experience, this can be both messy and very exhausting. The first thing I suggest doing is putting on a white apron, always use white, so that you can wash it in boiling water and bleach afterwards. Then put on your rubber gloves- mine are a lovely floral pink color, but go with what suits you best.

At this point what you need to do is get rid of any identifying marks. What I suggest, after a lot of entertaining experimentation, is using an iron for this. Put the iron on to its highest setting. Next place a white towel on the floor, then place the body’s right hand palm up. Then it is a simple procedure to iron each finger until there is no hint of fingerprints. I must warn you that the stench can be a little off putting- so make sure that you open a window or two. I normally have a couple of jasmine scented candles burning also- it is a lovely smell.

Next, cleanse the bottom of the iron, and put it neatly away.

Now, the next task is a little harder, but a necessary step.

Go and grab yourself a pair of pliers- I always keep some in my all-purpose kitchen drawer- as I find they often come in handy for little jobs throughout my day.

Then you need to reach into the mouth, still wearing your gloves, and pull the teeth out. I was fortunate to have had to dispose of a body in England once, and there were only five teeth to remove. It works easiest to remove them from the front to the back. There will be a little blood- but as their heart (has hopefully-) stopped beating by now, it should not be so messy. The back teeth are the trickiest, and you might have to place your foot on his head as you pull them out. Remember always bend with your legs- and not your back-safety first in my book!

The next step is to search the body for any identifiable marks- such as tattoos or scars. Now depending on the body this can be rather enjoyable and titillating- or incredibly nauseating. I find that music is a great distraction as you do this part of the process- I strongly recommend Liberace. There is something so uplifting in his music don’t you think? It is almost a religious experience to me listening to him tickling the ivories- gosh it gets my juices flowing.

So where was I? Yes, I remember, If you do by chance come across a tattoo you are going to have to remove it. I recently brought a lovely set of ceramic knives- they are jet black, and I can not recommend them highly enough. As you no doubt know being a fan of my column they are much sharper than steel blades, and do not absorb any odors. Just be careful not to drop them as they will shatter. Now, anyone who has ever skinned a fish should have no trouble with this. If you aren’t experienced in such things might I suggest that you practice by skinning a fuzzy peach? And afterwards you can reward yourself with a refreshing Peach daiquiri. So you simply put the sharp blade against the skin and slice away. You have to be delicate for you cannot risk going too deep. Sometimes to remove all the ink you need to go back and shave of several layers of skin. However much you are tempted to keep it as a souvenir- please, at all costs, do not!

We have arrived at the trickiest part of the entire process. I suggest that at this point you take a breather and enjoy a nice strong cup of herbal tea- I am fond of Chamomile- but anything is good just as long as it does not contain caffeine. Panicking is your enemy- so let calmness be you friend. Breathe in slowly through your nose and out through your mouth as you sip on your tea.

Once you are fully composed and relaxed it is time to get on with the unsavory task at hand.

First you need to redress the body. I happen to have on hand several clown outfits- trust me there is a reason for this- I dress them up into something straight out of a Stephen king book! I then apply the makeup, big white circles around the eyes, an exaggerated red mouth, and then I stick on the large rounded nose, and like to finish up with a dappling of blush. Please do not use your expensive cosmetics for this- the cheap ones work just as well in this case. Also do not be tempted to put the oversized shoes on the cadaver yet. As that makes the body extremely hard to maneuver.

When your corpse is all jollied up in the clown suit, you need to make sure that it is late enough for no-one to be about; ideally between three and four in the morning works best.

At this time, drag the body by the feet into your garage. Again make sure that you are using your legs to lift and not your back. Next you need to do a fireman’s lift on your victim. If you do not know how to do this I explained in great detail two months ago on my award winning show on arson.

You ease your clown into the trunk of your car, and then put the shoes on top! Firmly close the trunk, and set out into the night.

What you need to do is find a nearby school. A school for younger kids is preferable for this- but use a high school if you must. I have found that Catholic schools work best of all- and that would be the ideal scenario. But you have to work with what you have got.

As you pull into the parking lot, make sure that there is no-one about. Then as quickly as possible, using the fireman’s lift, carry the dead clown to the middle of the playing area. Then race back and get the shoes, and put them on his feet. This is a good time to accessorize. Anything clown related will do- from flowers that squirt water, to giant horns, to balloon animals; anything that will add to the trauma of the unsuspecting kid who is going to find the corpse.

I know at this point you will be jolly tired! But I urge you to get up early the next morning and watch the local news! You have no idea how much alarm it causes when some child encounters a dead, toothless clown in the middle of playground.

I have done this seven times now- in different schools- and the hoopla it has created in the media has been astounding. Can you even imagine what would happen if dead clowns started to appear all over the country? Oh what a great giggle that would be. Hehehehehe.

So there you have it!

Stay tuned for my next helpful hint next month.

“How to while away the days in a mental asylum.”

Keep tuned!

Up next is the new hit radio game show coming from my sound proofed basement- ‘Torture or Tickle…’

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